The Revenge of Montezuma...

And by revenge, I mean hard core masochistic revenge. Cortés most certainly did a number on Montezuma judging by the fury with which Mr. Monty unmercifully wreaks havoc on weary travelers. For those of you who have never traveled to some lesser developed countries, or for those of you who have been lucky enough to evade said revenge, I can assure you based on personal experience it is NOT something you ever want to experience. Obviously the revenge I am referring to is a stomach illness generally caused by ingesting poor quality local water in areas of the world like Central and South America, Asia, Africa, and parts of the Middle East. Since there is truly no way to discuss this issue with any sense of propriety, I'm going to be as blunt and straight forward as you all can handle. Montezuma's revenge is the shits! Literally. And I don't mean the good kind of B.M. that makes you feel energized and ready to tackle the world. I mean an Odwalla Superfood-like substance coming from a place where the sun doesn't shine. Typically this specific case of the "runs" is brought on by the ingestion of certain types of bacterial agents, most commonly the three variations of E. coli. Now I know what you're thinking. 'Why on earth is she talking about poop?' Answer? The reality is Montezuma's Revenge, also known as travelers diarrhea, affects almost 50% of all travelers, and it can put a huge damper on your Mexican Riviera beach vacation plans (no one wants to be in a bikini in the ocean when you can't control what's coming out of.... well, you know where). Most cases cause discomfort, dehydration, and nausea, which can all be remedied by going to the nearest pharmacy and purchasing some over-the-counter antibiotics. Pharmacies are generally really accessible in other countries. However, if left untreated serious problems can occur. My embarrassing, yet completely true story about M. R. goes something like this. While I was backpacking through Peru after my engagement was called off (a blessing in disguise. Love ya Bobby;) I accidentally ingested some tap water. I'm not sure how or when, since I only drank bottled water. I even used it to brush my teeth. Needless to say my stomach and lower abdomen were in a frenzy. In fact, there has been only one time in my life where I have pookipseed in my pants (see the first Sex and the City movie), and it was in Peru. I had been feeling shitty for a few days, pun intended, an while hanging out in the hostel I was staying in in Arequipa, I laughed at a fellow travelers joke. I noticed something unpleasant had escaped from my bum, but I assumed it was just a good ol' fart. I was much mistaken. Farts don't linger all warm like that. I was HORRIFIED!!!! Once I noticed what had happened, the look on my face completely gave me away. Everyone busted up laughing, so I did what anyone as ridiculous as I am would do. I made a joke, laughed along with everyone, and took the longest shower of my life. I also threw out that particular pair of chonies. The glory of it all? Three other people I had met and been traveling with shat their pants at some point the very next day. That's what they get for laughing at yours truly!

If explosive diarrhea is something you'd like to avoid the next time you find yourself in a less developed country, follow these tips: Drink only bottled water; don't use the tap water to brush your teeth; while out at a restaurant ask if the ice is made with filtered water and if not, request no ice; do NOT order anything with raw vegetables that have been washed in the water (I am almost positive this was my demise); don't allow any water to enter your mouth while showering; and don't share drinks with someone who has been dumb enough to actually do any of the aforementioned no-no's. If you do get sick, immediately start drinking anything with electrolytes. Gatorade, Powerade, Pedialite, or anything of the like. Run (with your booty cheeks puckered) to the nearest pharmacy and talk to the pharmacist. They are no strangers to travelers having this problem and they are more than happy to help. Also, always make sure you have a roll of T.P. or cleansing wipes in your backpack. You'll be thankful you have them, trust me.

Since poop is a favorite topic of conversation for some of my best friends and me, this post is proudly dedicated to my beautiful friend Steph. I know how you roll when it comes to shiznit;)

Cheers,
Danni

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